Letters to Home
by gusenitsa
Summary: Started as Hook's Letters to Emma during the missing year (Though it has expanded slightly...I couldn't resist writing one to Bae too.) The latest is set during the time period after Hook outruns the curse. How did Hook outrun that curse anyway...
1. Day 0: Swan

******AN: I have reordered chronologically but the newest chapters will probably continue to be out of order. I'm still enjoying this compilation. I normally thrive on dialogue and wit, but I suppose I like being in Hook's head.**

**Check out my stories if you are more interested in awesome Hook Emma banter/adventuring! **

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Swan,

Somehow this feels less like talking to myself. Less like insanity. So for a moment I will allow myself to pretend I know what I shall do with this letter when it is completed. Pretend it was destined for you rather than, most probably, the flames.

I'm sorry. I had to get away from there. I think you might understand. We always have had that at least.

I know I should stay, make sure your family makes it safely back to their castle but... Well I told your father, I tried the hero thing and it didn't take. How do you do it, Darling, the hero thing? It hurts too much to bear. You, your family, they're always thinking about other people trying to help, trying to ... God, Emma, I can't think about anything other than myself. I can't stay here and be the hero. Selflessly stick by your parents and pretend to care about whether or not grumpy's shack is still in one piece. Watch Bae and Belle teeter between grief and denial. I can't watch Regina. Her least of all, I can't even look at her. I look at her and I see myself, just on the edge of falling apart. The last time I fell apart it took 300 years and a bloody perfect kiss for me to realize there was something more to life than revenge. Bad things happen when people like us fall apart, if nothing else I hope you would appreciate me being far away from the ones you love when that happens.

Something isn't right here. Aurora is expecting a child. Your mother said she was glowing. I didn't see any glowing, Swan, I saw fear. She and her prince were the gracious hosts of course, but they were nervous, and their fears were not ablated by the preparations your parents were making to return to the castle. It's something other than another Royal family showing up on their land. The forest itself seems nervous. I haven't had sight nor sound of a single animal since coming here. Even the oceans are not so quiet. There are seabirds around even when the nearest land seems too far away for them to have crossed.

Perhaps I'm going mad already. Perhaps the hole you left makes me see discord when none exists.

I've only one recourse; I must find the Jolly. There have been precious few things in this world that ever felt like home. The Jolly is the only one left to me now. I would be remiss if I failed to secure the only thing that has ever allowed me to pass between worlds. Your parents are falling into their positions gracefully, they tell me that you're happy, that you have a chance for a happy ending with Henry. It's all wrong, Emma, do you feel it too?

Of course not.

But I know you, Swan, better than you know yourself. Now more than ever. You wouldn't want this. You wouldn't want to live a lie, would you? A life chosen for you, a life designed to give you consolation for all you've lost. Would you take the lie if it meant pretending you have the life you always wanted?

What if I could live that life. What if I could pretend Milah had never been taken from me. What if I could pretend that we had gone back for Bae. Made a life for ourselves, the normal ordinary life of a happy family. It would be a betrayal. Not only of her, Swan, of myself. My life created me. Experiencing joy in the sea with Liam and becoming an exceedingly boring military man... Holding his body when he fell tore me apart. When I finally started to put myself back together again I was a different man. One who fell in love with a woman in a tavern who left part of her heart with her son. How many times have I wished that she hadn't been taken from me. The man who met you in the enchanted forest would never have existed without that pain. I don't know if that is for better or worse, Swan, but it is true. The man I am is made of the elation and agony of my past.

You too have been forged in fire. Who are you now, Swan? Are you still the fierce lass who dragged herself across realms by sheer force of will? Are you still the perceptive woman who read a closed off pirate like the open book he claimed her to be? Are you still the mirror of all the best I wish I could still see in myself?

A man unwilling to fight for what he wants, deserves what he gets.

You are, Emma. You are still beautiful, frustratingly obstinate and brilliant. You are. You have to be...

I know you can't remember, so enjoy your vacation, Savior. I will find you. I will find a way to make you remember who you are.

Until then, I will remember for you,

Hook

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**We survived. Congrats, everyone.**

**Leave me a review if you can! For more Hook and Emma awesomeness here's a couple of my other stories:**

**Slip Knot - pre-curse. How did Hook make the decision to back off even after promising to win Emma's heart? ( s/10058676/1/Slip-Knot)**

******Or for a bit of fluff "Breaking and Entering" - really a key under a welcome mat is essentially an invitation. ( s/10131513/1/Breaking-and-Entering)**


	2. The Jolly Roger: Swan

**The Jolly Roger (To be honest I'm not sure where this fits into the missing year, So I've just titled it according to the episode it belongs to.**

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Hey Beautiful,

Truly, how hard can it be to find an enchanted vessel? I'm not one to brag (stop laughing, love) but she is a marvel, truly, someone should be talking about it splashing down in the middle of some harbor. It's been easier to locate some of the crew. I've even found Smee, more surprising considering he has spent some time as a rodent of some variety. So it seems there is one person whose life has been enriched by this blasted curse.

I'd never admit it aloud bit it's been nice having some of the boys back. I'll still call them a bunch of lazy useless bilge rats whenever I get the opportunity of course, which for Mr. Smee happens to be rather close to the truth. Still, I am Captain Hook to them. Captain Hook is cold and invulnerable, Captain Hook does not pay tavern girls for a cover story in order to spend the night drinking rum and writing letters to a woman out of his reach. They see Captain Hook, and it makes it that much easier to play the part. I excel at surviving, Swan, or Hook does anyway. And so we shall.

All I need is to get back to the Jolly, and then I know that everything will fall back into place. I survived for hundreds of years before you turned my life upside down, love, and I will not be undone by you. Captain Hook, destroyed by a mere memory? I think not.

It's a good line isn't it love? I almost believe it. Fortunately, I don't have to believe it. They have to believe it.

Hook

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This is it, darling,

I've found her, or she found me. I've always detested mermaids, but this little mermaid has made herself rather helpful. Of course, she didn't think she was being helpful at first. I must say I've had an inordinate number of knives at my throat in recent years...

She thought I took her Prince, Which, oddly enough, I had nothing to do with. But she knows where the Jolly is. Blackbeard has tried to steal her away from me, certainly he doesn't think that I will allow that? My crew is frightened of him. For good reason, perhaps. There are more stories circulating about the dreaded Blackbeard than of any pirate on the oceans, save myself of course. I've never met him, neither have any in my crew or any I've spoken to. He's a ghost, numberless horrors have been attributed to him but no one knows who he is. I think it's about time I introduced myself, don't you think, Swan. Don't worry dear, I'll be careful. (Please, Swan, don't roll your eyes so loudly, we're not even in the same world and I can hear it.)

I can feel my drive returning, my purpose and it's like a breath of life after too long under the oceans surface. This is why nothing feels right. Once I have her back, I'll be able to go back to how things were. Just like before. Everyone keeps telling me that it's only a ship, but it's so much more. Perhaps you would understand? She's been home for so long, Swan.

She will make everything fit again, make me fit again. Today I am Hook, just a man with no hand. For how can a man be a Captain without his ship? But tomorrow darling, the Captain will return.

Hook

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Swan,

You would do anything to get back home, wouldn't you Swan? To your family. Well this is all the family I have. My crew, my home the cabin that was once Liam's... Is it not right to fight for what is yours? Is it right for someone to ask you to give up everything for them, then call you selfish for refusing?

Blackbeard was nothing but a coward. All of the stories, I was expecting better. He wasn't even much of a swordsman, how the hell did he become the scourge of the high seas? Perhaps that's what pirates do, put on a show and hope no one sees through it. I saw through his, and now he's gone. I write this to you from my cabin, and while it is a relief to be back...back where I belong, I still can't quiet my mind. Isn't everything supposed to be right now?

The mermaid, she said that people were saying I'm a hero. Because of what I did for Snow White and her family. Ha bloody ha. I've never done a thing for that woman in my life. I did that for you, Swan, and apparently my reputation took a beating for it. Blackbeard wanted to rip away my mask as I ripped away his. Only he didn't realize it was no mask. He thought he could play on my 'hero-type' tendencies. Except I don't have them. I'm a pirate, Swan, have I ever claimed to be anything else? And yet she looked at me as though I lied to her...

It doesn't matter. She's a bloody mermaid, if she can't find her own Prince on an island who the hell can? Why is it suddenly my job to ensure everyone gets their happily ever after? That's not me, that's you, and you're gone. So bloody live with it. There are no happily ever afters. She'd better learn that now and save herself the heartache.

Captain of the Jolly Roger

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**AN: I was rather fond of this episode. To me it makes perfect sense that Hook would try very hard to default to a past persona. That's what he knew ... for a very long time and for all the influence of 'the hero types' he isn't and doesn't really want to be one of them yet. Seems much more realistic ... I am hopeful that we'll see more of this story line as the season progresses. (I haven't seen yesterdays episode, so If we learned more last night...don't tell me yet!)**


	3. Day 368: Emma

Emma,

I know it's a little late to second guess myself now. I've already made such a bloody mess of things. I've been talking to you...all this time now, since that first day a lifetime ago. It feels as though I have, anyway, so somehow in the back of my mind I almost thought you would remember. Still... True love's kiss, really Jones? Even when you knew me you wouldn't have let me get away with that. If I hadn't kissed you, would it have been easier? Would you have given the potion a chance if it was not a gift from a madman?

I suppose there is nothing left to do but wait. You have the address, I know you'll go to Neal's eventually, but knowing you, you'll make me wait.

You look good in leather, Swan. If I didn't know better, I would suspect you were bloody trying to drive me mad. But you weren't. You were trying to drive him mad. Of course you would have a man courting you. How could I possibly expect you to wait for a man you don't remember? What I didn't expect was your smile, your laughter.

I was so sure, Swan. So sure that you wouldn't want to live a lie. I was going to save you, drag you back to yourself kicking and screaming if necessary because that is what you would want if you were ... you. Then I saw your laughter, and a smile ... an openness you never had before. This life, false as it may be, has been good to you. Better than that which you lost? In that moment you made me doubt. I came back to save you, right? Perhaps you don't need saving. Your family does, I know, but that's not why I'm here. I'm not selfless enough for that. Perhaps I came to save myself.

It appears that Regina finally cracked. I suspected it would only be a matter of time for her, for both of us. We've lost our compass. Villains don't get happy endings, they say, so we tried to be something other than what we are. For Henry and for you. With you gone, what reason was there to stay; to stay good? What good is a sailer who can't find North?

To be honest I'm surprised it took her as long as it did to try to curse her way back into this world. I don't know that I would have lasted so long if I had the same power. Still...if she's the one trying to curse her way back to Henry, who made the potion, why send it to me? Sending it to me is a surefire way to make sure that you regain your memories, Swan. Wouldn't Regina prefer it to be used for Henry? Perhaps David has taken to piracy and confiscated the thing. If you ever get your memory back we can go ask your mother if it would have killed her to be a bit more verbose in that little love note she sent me...

It seemed too good to be true. Still does, actually. In all my long years never has a solution to a problem fallen (quite literally) right into my lap like that. Fortunately I'm not one to turn up my nose at an opportunity.

I'm so close, Emma. Seeing you again nearly killed me at first, and not just because you decided to seriously jeopardize my procreative prospects. Realizing that you still didn't know me, and the catastrophic disaster that was my impulsive greeting... But none of that matters, because now I know that I will succeed. I see it in your eyes, my love, you know this isn't right. You even ran from your courter, despite your easy smiles around him. Your heart is with me even if you don't yet know why. No curse can possibly hold against both of us. I've waited for so long, darling, what's another night or two to me? If there is one thing that I have learned in all my years it's patience.

I kept my promise; and now, alone in this strange land, I feel more joy than I ever thought I would feel again.

I will see you again soon, my love,

Killian

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**Leave a review and make me smile!**

******I intend to continue this as they give us bits and pieces of the last year to work with! As such it will likely not be in chronological order following this chapter. **

**I'm so happy the hiatus is over. *sigh of relief* Now we have to figure out what happened in all that time. I'm excited. **

**A couple of my other stories if you're interested...:**

**Dog and Butterfly - She wore red leather, dueled pirates on the beach. She cursed more than he did and chained gentlemen to walls when they knocked on hers. But now the Princess needs a break, where best to get away than the open water? ( s/10186468/1/Dog-and-Butterfly )**

**Dare to Hope - 1 year later sequel to SlipKnot though you don't have to read SlipKnot first. ( s/10015832/1/Dare-to-hope)**


	4. Baelfire

Baelfire,

I know; you are Neal now. Or you were. You were Neal for a long time, but you've been Baelfire for much longer. I thought of you as Bae long before you ever thought of me at all. Before you even knew such a man as Killian Jones existed.

She told me all about you. She told me about the blanket she made for you with her own hands. The one your father used to find you. The one I couldn't bear to destroy in my quest to avenge her death. She told me about how strong you were, how adventurous, already. She told me the stories she used to tell you before bed, your favorite games, favorite animals and colors. She cried in my arms when she realized that you were growing up without her...that green might not be your favorite color anymore.

I suppose now you know just how much she loved you Bae. Your mother loved the sea, and sometimes I used to think that she loved the sea more than she loved me. More than anything... But it wasn't true. She could never love anything more than you. She was happy with me, but she could never be truly free when a part of her heart was always with you. I can't tell you how many times we almost went back for you. Once we made it within sight of port. She was so happy, Bae. Her smile, her laugh, it was infectious. But a sudden storm picked up. We retreated to open water, it was the worst storm we'd been through in months and even with sails reefed we nearly capsized when we suddenly turned broadside. We got her oriented again but we lost two men that day to the sea's fury. When the storm finally passed Milah's eyes had grown hard and I knew she couldn't return to you yet. You were 10 at the time, still too young for the life we had chosen.

When she was taken from me I must admit that I did not think of you. All of our plans were turned upside down and I was blinded by grief and anger. You broke through that, Bae, and reminded me of what it was like to care for another person. Teaching you to sail, to navigate, it was what we always wanted. She should have been there. Even so I was happy for the first time since I lost her. When you left it was like losing her all over again. I retreated into my hatred and didn't emerge for centuries. I didn't see the light until Emma came careening into my life, ruining all of my plans and shining like a bloody supernova. Before I noticed what was happening that woman became my north star. She and her son. Your son. I was so afraid of losing that light again, of falling back into the darkness, that I only saw a competition. I forgot that little boy, the one who had never had a proper family. We should have given you a proper family, Bae, but we didn't and you just needed to find your way back to yours.

I'm sorry I let you go. In Neverland and in Storybrooke. I was supposed to watch over you, like before. I've no experience being a father Bae, so I did the only thing I could think of. I brought you gel-o. Green gel-o, because it was your favorite color once. I held you like you should have been held all your life, but then I let you go. Like I always do. I can't help but wonder...if I'd looked after you like I should have...could things have been different?

How can it be that after all this time, after losing so many that are close to my heart, I still find myself at a loss for how to respond. I know how I want to respond. I want to rip that green demon into tiny pieces and scatter her to the mermaids. There may yet be time for that. Everything you did was for your family, and so I will offer you what I can. I swear that I will protect your family, mate, if it kills me too.

For all the long years we have lived, we didn't really have any time at all. I'm sorry, mate; and I hope you can now find peace in your mother's arms, safe where you can watch the rest of us struggle to live with the hole you left,

Killian Jones

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**AN: RIP Baelfire.**

** Thanks for reading, leave a review if you will miss Bae too :(**


	5. Day 338: Swan

My beautiful Swan,

For all the pain and fatigue of my body, I have not felt such hope in near a year. A curse has lowered the walls again, the desire to return to you may not be as futile as I'd feared. I still have the potion that arrived by bird several weeks ago, and by a combination of vigilant planning and luck, the bottle survived the mad race intact.

I can hardly move to write this tonight, but I must, it's become a habit, an extension of my promise to you and my only source of comfort.

Every muscle aches, muscles I didn't know I had ache and it feels as though I'll never be dry again. I've not slept in at least 36 hours and am unlikely to sleep again for an indeterminate time still. But I'm free of it. I outran a bloody curse, Swan, and even you couldn't begrudge me this observation; I am a hell of a captain. Fine, darling, if you insist I'll tell you the tale! (Why is it I can still hear your laughter after all this time?)

The crew were all on shore leave when I realized the curse was coming. I had no idea where this curse would take me, or if I would remember who I was when I got there. I knew that unless I escaped its purview I'd likely break my promise to you. So I left. Without even so much a nod to the crew. If I ever see them again I suspect they will have something to say about me deserting them, but no crew means fewer supplies, less food, less water to carry. Less weight allows my lady to ride higher on the water, and make better time. Time was not something I had in excess.

The first few hours I sailed the smoke was nowhere in sight, but the rumors spreading from the watchtowers in port told me the curse was coming; though it was not yet upon me. There was good wind at least, and it was not so unlike trying to outrun a storm. At times, the wind of an approaching gall can itself aid you in the aversion of catastrophe. I spent hours speeding ahead, away, not sure how far would be far enough, but unwilling to risk slowing. The artillery went first, they're the heaviest and while I hated to see them go, they would do me no good if I was caught up in that curse. I emptied the ballast and let her run high, risking the stability of the vessel to make her fly across the oceans surface as fast as she was able. Any supplies that were not nailed to the ground went overboard as well in those first few hours. Weight that can be tossed from side to side increases the danger of listing so I saved only the bare essentials and a couple weeks supply of food and water. It was hours before I could bear to abandon Liam's books to the ocean, but I'd no choice. It was the past or the future, love, and I would discard the past a thousand times over for the chance of the future. I still have your letters though, darling, and for the first time I have hope that I will one day be able to show them to you. To show you that I kept my promise, that I was with you every day, even worlds apart.

Within 12 hours I could see glimpses of the smoke on the horizon with my spyglass. It crept ominously over the water, looking so slow from the distance but always gaining. No crew meant sailing lighter, but it also meant I had to be everywhere at once and several times I caught myself yelling orders to an empty ship out of habit. In any ship but the Jolly Roger it would have been impossible, but she's always been a bloody marvel.

Still the curse gained and the sea grew more tumultuous by the moment.

No ship can keep up that pace forever, but she held out for another solid 20 hours at top speed before fraying ropes and growing waves risked her stability. After nearly capsizing twice I realized that if I did not start to fill the ballast again we'd be taken by the sea long before the curse got its chance.

She rode lower in the water now, and slower, but she was more stable against the wind and the waves. Despite my exhaustion, the building storm and towering waves made it unlikely that I would fall asleep at the helm, a real danger after thirty-some hours without rest. The waves began to crash over the ship and the water flowing across the deck caused my footing to become precarious. With no crew, should I lose my ground there would be no one to pull me back aboard, no one to reef the sails. The ship would be long gone before I even managed to pull my head above the water. I tied a rope to the mast and the other around my left forearm. It limited my mobility but turned out to be a wise precaution. A massive wave crashed over the helm, ripping my hand from the wheel. I probably took a good chunk out of the starboard side on my way to the sea; if not for that lifeline, I would certainly have been lost.

Finally the waves began to calm and I turned astern once more. I no longer needed the spyglass to watch as the smoke came, but now it began to grow translucent. As I watched, it finally dispersed. I collapsed to the deck and it was probably some hours before I managed to pull myself to my feet again. I reefed the sails and lowered the sea anchor before near collapsing down the ladder back into my cabin. My forearm is rubbed raw to bleeding from where the rope held me fast and my eyes burn from the salt and the wind. Still, I cannot sleep, With no crew it isn't safe to drift, not even with the sea anchor slowing us. The fraying ropes need replacing and the sails need mending, but she held together and now we've a chance.

I must go, love. Even as I write this I find my eyes are beginning to drift closed. I dare not sleep so I will return topside and care for my lady. She deserves it.

I will find you again, Emma. Wait for me?

Killian Jones

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**AN: I have reordered chronologically but the newest chapters will probably continue to be out of order. I'm still enjoying this compilation. I normally thrive on dialogue and wit, but I suppose I like being in Hook's head.**

**Check out my stories if you are more interested in awesome Hook Emma banter/adventuring! **


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